His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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