We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
