so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
