It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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