Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
