Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
