chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
