I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
