Even water is tasting like jack daniels
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
