just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
