I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
