my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
