I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
