porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
