How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize