It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
