We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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