Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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