I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize