So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
