the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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