I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
