i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
the day after is always just damage control
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
