He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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