The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Randomize
