the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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