So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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