i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
