we made out on top of his cat.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize