Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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