I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
