Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize