This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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