when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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