Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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