he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
