my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
