On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Randomize
