Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Randomize
