I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
