I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
