my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Randomize
