you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
