God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
