Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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