i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
