Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
