Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
