I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
