Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
