Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
you made out with another girl for some wings
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