We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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