so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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