Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
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