First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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