WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
