My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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