Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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