Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
