we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize