I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
you inspire me to be a worse person
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Randomize
